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"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and
my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer
science, curses in accounting."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain store."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising
and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not
appropriate for business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely
nothing and absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind
me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining
composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too
seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave
drivers."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my
head!"

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to
hear from you shorty!"